Hungry Hungry Mongoose (nzmongoose) wrote,
Hungry Hungry Mongoose

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Because I was commanded to by the masterless master

An entry about actual stuff.

My results came and they're as I expected, which is probably because I was so unsure of passing that I calculated what my results would probably be like. I'm not happy that I failed as many papers as I did (or any at all). There were reasons that I could point to, things that were going on in my life, but the reality is it was my responsibility and my fault. At the same time, all I can really do about it is move forward and try to make up for it.

It's something I've actually been thinknig about recently. My regrets seem to really hold me back, but it can be hard not to look back and wonder why I was so stupid. I'm faced with either blaming others for my problems, which I know is just an avoidance of responsibility, damages my relationships with others and lets me continue to make the same mistakes, or I can blame myself, which leaves me depressed and pessimistic, with no confidence to bother trying anything, or I can blame the random happenings of the universe, which leaves me thinking nothing I try to do is in my control and questioning why I bother with anything. So it's ironic that being depressed over this perdicament to the point where I stopped caring at all gave me the answer. It's nice to actually see one for once. And that's really that there's no point obsessing over what happened at all. Simple, no? But first-person perspective makes it harder to see the truth. Assuming there is one. Works for me, anyway. Doesn't mean I don't think about it. With my mind that'd be impossible. But I'm not letting myself agonise over the reasons or what I could have done better. I'm thinking about my future, even if it's uncertain.

Thanks to a combination of people (one for helping me figure out what I need to do, one for reminding me I need to do it), I can hopefully do something with myself. I may not be enjoying my studies, but I'll continue them. To be honest, computer science is an incredibly boring subject, and programming is a real pain in the ass. But the payoff is being able to do some crazy things and I should remember that there's a bright side to it somewhere.

Also, I got to spend some time with Anthony and Yuto this week. It's nice, even though I'd lose myself if I did it constantly. Having something to do for multiple days is good. Dynasty Warriors 5 is great because you get to play as real life badasses. (I was the guy who ate his own eye, Anthony was the guy who beat an army of 100,000 with 800 men) and fight your way through hordes of soldiers. Guilty Gear XX is great because it's the most insane fighting game ever invented. Zappa's story mode is especially fun as it involves him meeting random people, asking for their help and then becoming possessed and attacking them, only for him to wake up with injuries without a clue where they came from. Kino's Journey is a good anime. It's really just a collection of interesting concepts tied together with a single observer, but there is some kind of story. I've only seen half of it so I just don't know if it develops a final point. It doesn't really matter because the individual stories are entertaining enough.

I might actually make a comic soon. The problem I've always faced is looking at idea that were too big. But I got a new "How To Draw Manga" book and there was a part that suggested trying smaller stories when starting out with advice on doing them. I've got a smaller and more amusing idea that I think could work, and I actually managed to come up with it by presenting it as a slice of a larger one (basically "There's an epic story going on in the background I assure you, but here's how it affects these random people"). I've got ideas for scenes already, as well as an actual start, middle and finish in mind, so it's achievable if I put work into it. So the hard part is next... not giving up when it turns out to be difficult and frustrating. Here's hoping I can do it. Time to put more determination into this than anything I've done before.

So yeah... things aren't so bad. I guess the situation hasn't exactly changed. My understanding and goals have though. So it's good. Although ironically, while a lot of it's based around taking control, I was inspired by random events :P ...and people. Random people.

By the way, this is the coolest webcomic ever. Yes. Sorry, I like Eldritch, (enough to plug it in my journal that about three people read) but it doesn't feature a ninja doctor named Dr McNinja. At least you win at regular updating. A couple of days off sometimes means little compared to the webcomics I read that update "when it gets done". Yay for talking to people through my journal without naming them.

Turns out Zwickau is in Germany.
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